Marked down

WARNING CONTENT BELOW IS VERY PERSONAL

In most stores the defected product is marked down and stuck on the shelf to be sold at a discount. After a couple of weeks if it isn't purchased it is marked down further, and further until eventually it is thrown away never again to be seen.

I am a mom of four beautiful children, and I am married to the most patient and most amazing man there ever was. However,  I am not any of those things. I happen to be the marked down, defected product that needs to be thrown away so the new product that is new and improved can come along and do the job right.

I had expectations. I had dreams. I wanted to be a wife and a mother. That was it. That was my goal in life. A pretty good one I think. I read Proverbs 31 and hid it in my heart. I prayed and sought God and asked him to make me a good and useful wife. I had a dream that I would rise before my kids and my husband and spend time with him, and then prepare the day for my family. I would then keep house and play with my children and do all of those wife and motherly duties. Instead. I am sick. I have a disease that has distroyed my muscles. I can barley lift my children. I have to take about 15 pills a day just to keep myself going. I spend most of the day wishing I was in bed because the pain and or the weakness/fatigue has taken me over. I sit and wonder if I will make it through the next diaper change. Not just the one diaper change but all three. I cry because I can't play with my kids, most of the times I struggle just to get off the couch, let alone make lunch and smile. I would kill to do crafts and homeschool, and color, and do all of the normal fun stuff that mothers do. I wish sometimes that I could be tired like other mothers from cleaning my house, but the truth is I can't clean my house. I wish I could say I am a help meat for my husband but I am not. He takes care of me. I am a failure as a mom and as a wife. Instead of me getting up in the middle of the night with the kids. David does. Instead me getting up in the mornings with my babies and putting them on the school bus. David does. Instead having dinner cooked every night for my husband like my heart yearns to do. Most nights we have soup or sandwhiches or something simple. I do cook. Just not enough to meet my standards. Instead of David coming home from work and taking it easy because he just worked so hard all day for us. He can't. After spending the day with the kids I am usually pretty worn out and very sick and very weak so David has to take over. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he doesn't mind. He tells me that I will get my healing.

I think David and my children deserve so much better. I can't do what I was created for. I am defected. I am marked down. I need to be taken off the shelf.

(please don't think I am writing to get sympathy from anyone I am just writing this because I needed to get my feelings written and this is truly how I feel about myself.)